


Life in Stardust (a One Shot Collection)

by awareinthevoid



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, tag update for pt 2!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-02-19 11:46:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22710337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awareinthevoid/pseuds/awareinthevoid
Summary: A collection of thasmin one shots! Ratings will vary, some will be soft and wholesome and others will be soft and not so wholesome. I'm excited to put these out for everyone!
Relationships: The Doctor & Yasmin Khan, The Doctor/Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 12
Kudos: 108
Collections: Thasmin I've Finished or Am Caught Up On - recommendations





	1. I Always Know

“There!” the Doctor sighed with relief, her puzzle finally complete. “How long did that take?”

Yaz answered, “About two and a half hours, I think. Maybe three?” The Doctor groaned, causing her to laugh. She’d watched the Time Lord work tirelessly at that puzzle for the last few hours in an attempt to pass the time while Graham and Ryan were away. 

The Doctor sat on the floor of the lounge, internally whining about how long they had to wait. 

“Wait, Yaz, when did they say they’d be back?” she asked. She hoped that it would be soon.

“Well, Graham said that he and Ryan were visiting some of Grace’s family today. I heard they live over by Manchester.” Yaz told the Doctor. “God knows why Graham insisted on driving himself and Ryan instead of taking the TARDIS.” she giggled. “Did you have anything else in mind other than that puzzle?” she pointed at the image on the floor, giving the Doctor a you’re-literally-a-child look.

The Doctor became offended. 

“Oi!” she huffed. After a moment she relaxed and said, “I mean, yeah, I have other stuff. How about a movie?” 

Yaz smiled at the Doctor. 

“Yeah, sure. A movie sounds nice, but don’t ask me to pick because I’ll spend all day deciding.” she laughed. Seeing the Time Lord excited always made her happy. She knew that she had deeper feelings for the woman, but also knew what she wanted would never be possible. After all, here was this ancient alien who knew just about everything one could imagine and had lived through so many historical events with so many other people. Then there was Yaz, a nearly 20-year-old junior police officer travelling the universe in hopes of living a more interesting life. There was hardly a comparison between the two. Yaz had hopped on board the TARDIS with a woman with more history than her secondary school textbooks. A woman she felt she barely knew.

“Alright, then,” the Doctor said, bringing Yaz back from her thoughts. “I went to look for movies but for some reason this was all I could find.” She looked expectantly at Yaz, waiting for some sort of reply.

It was some kind of romantic comedy Yaz had never seen, so she just nodded her head to answer the Doctor. She wondered if maybe the TARDIS had purposefully hid all of the other movies. She was reading too far into the situation. Besides, it wasn’t like she’d recently been hooked up to the ship’s telepathic circuits. She tried to shove her thoughts and feelings to the back of her mind and moved from the floor to the couch. 

The TARDIS had a cool built-in T.V. in one of the walls of the lounge, and the screen appeared when a disc was put into a standard-looking DVD player to the side. Yaz was always a little confused by it, but had grown mostly used to it. Usually, the ship somehow matched some ambient lighting to the theme or category of the movie. In this case, though, Yaz was a bit nervous for the lights and movie.

The Doctor popped the movie disc into its slot, the screen showing up soon after. She used her sonic to “press” play, which cued up the room’s lights. _Uh oh,_ Yaz thought. They were a soft red with some violet peeking through. They weren’t inherently romantic colors, but given the context of the movie, Yaz knew it was going to be hard to think otherwise. 

While the Time Lord watched and paid attention to the film, all Yaz could do was think about what it would be like if she and the Doctor were the characters in it. They began, in typical rom-com fashion, as strangers. They had a coincidental introduction, kind of like Yaz had had with the woman sitting next to her. That night on the train was the beginning of a life that she would never have thought possible before she met the Doctor. The events leading up to it all linked together, eventually bringing the close-knit group together. All of those small coincidences that put her at the base of the hill with Ryan, or that had put her on duty that day in the first place. Had any of these things not occurred, she might not have met the most influential woman she’d ever know.

“Yaz, you okay?” the Doctor’s question broke Yaz from her daydreaming. She realized that she’d turned her gaze to the floor while thinking. Maybe it had looked like she was sad or concerned, as that was the sort of expression her face held while she was deep in thought.

“Yeah, only thinking.” she gave the woman a smile and hoped they would leave it at that. She didn’t want to have to explain what she was thinking or try to come up with a lie. 

“You sure? You looked kind of like something was bothering you. You do know you can talk to me if that’s the case, right?” the Doctor looked Yaz in the eyes and put her hand on top of her companion’s.

 _Fuck._ With the small touch, Yaz was almost reduced to nothing. She was already flustered under the Doctor’s gaze and it definitely didn’t help that they were now closer together.

“I’m fine, Doctor. Honest.” she made another weak attempt at a smile. She thought about saying, _oh yeah, Doc, I’m totally chill. It’s just that I might be in love with you and it’s all I can think about._ It was all she could do to feign being calm and wish they could go back to watching the movie. But, she still felt the Time Lord’s eyes on her when she turned away. The concern still hadn’t left her pupils, which made Yaz feel bad about lying. It wasn’t as if she was going to confess her feelings, though. 

“Okay. Mind if I ask what you were thinking about, then?”

 _Shit! Fuck! Help!_ Yaz wished she were anywhere else at that moment. Anywhere that wasn’t a few inches away from the Doctor. She knew she’d failed at hiding her emotions, though, because the woman’s look shifted from concern to confusion. 

“What’s that face for?” the Doctor chuckled. Yaz couldn’t laugh. She also couldn’t move, so she was stuck there looking at the Doctor with wide eyes.

After another moment with no answer, the Doctor lightly rubbed Yaz’s arm.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. But you don’t have to worry about judgement if you do. Nothing could change my opinion of you, Yasmin Khan.” her eyes softened before they pulled away from Yaz’s face.

Even with the Doctor’s eyes off of her, Yaz couldn’t stop staring. She’d begun to take in the details of the woman she wished she wasn’t falling in love with. The soft lights bounced off of the surface of her skin, and the messy strands of hair on her head soaked them in as they became one. Her face held a calm, attentive expression. Eyes focused, soft lips slightly open. _Lips slightly open._ Yaz knew it was wrong to keep her mind on the Doctor’s lips, but her thoughts focused on the space between the upper and lower. She imagined her own welded to the Time Lord’s, soaking in the warmth of each other.

The Doctor’s beauty astounded Yaz. She didn’t need to dress up or wear makeup, she was just gorgeous all on her own. Her blonde hair fell so perfectly atop her head. The hazel irises in her eyes threatened to pull Yaz into their depths. From the stray hairs on her head to the blue striped socks on her feet, there was nothing flawed about the woman. 

It was all Yaz could do to stop herself from kissing her then and there.

Once again the Doctor had caught Yaz in thought, this time meeting her eyes as she turned.

“Yaz, are you sure you’re okay?” 

_God, her eyes are so pretty right now. And her lips…_

“I promise, Doctor, everything’s perfect.” she flashed a smile, larger than her previous attempt.

The Time Lord shifted and turned herself to face Yaz completely. She took both of her hands in her own in an attempt to comfort the young woman.

“I never want you to think that I don’t care about you, okay? I have a duty of care for anyone that boards this ship.” she gestured to the space around them. “I want to be here for you. Always.”

“I know, Doctor. It’s just…” Yaz trailed off, unsure of how to explain her mindset without revealing too much. 

The Doctor’s eyes roamed around the younger woman’s face, trying to find something to tell her what was the matter. She always found humans so complex, almost annoyingly so. They felt so much in one moment and she knew Time Lords did too, but humans were just...different. 

Yaz took a breath and treaded carefully with her words. 

“It’s just that I’m feeling conflicted at the moment. Not anything of concern, just personal things. You see, a friend of mine has been confiding in me about what she’s been going through and I’ve been trying to help.” She hoped that the Doctor wouldn’t see straight through her and know that this “friend” was just Yaz.

“Well,” the Doctor pondered, “what’s your friend struggling with? It seems like she’s dumped this on you, maybe I can lessen the weight.” 

Their hands were still touching, heat exchanging with heat as the quiet sound of a forgotten movie met with the breathing of both women. A moment Yaz tried to savor as every thought in her head raced past one another. 

“She really likes someone, but she’s certain they could never be together. She was telling me that her feelings were too strong to ignore, though.” Yaz gulped and tried to keep from avoiding the Doctor’s gaze. “I know it sounds so childish but I- she doesn’t know how to confess her feelings.”

 _You really did it this time, Yasmin Khan_. She prayed to the gods that the Doctor hadn’t noticed her slip-up. After that mistake Yaz now stared at their hands laying between them and silence filled the air. It wasn’t uncomfortable, or awkward, but just a little bit tense as Yaz continued to avoid looking at the Doctor.

The Doctor’s face contorted into a quizzical expression. Yaz could tell what was coming, but wished that she could go hide in her room instead of discussing the truth. She couldn’t avoid this forever.

“I’m not accusing you of lying, but this isn’t about a friend, is it?” the ancient, seemingly all-knowing woman met her companion’s eyes when the younger woman’s face lifted. 

Neither of them said anything for a little while. Their hands remained together, but their eyes had moved on to other things. It seemed that both of them were trying to avoid the inevitable.

After what felt like hours Yaz sighed, “No, it isn’t. It’s about me.” She pulled her hands out from under the Doctor’s, instead bringing them up to hide her face. Her thoughts leapt to the only outcome she could imagine, which was one she feared would manifest.

“I thought so.” the Doctor’s eyes were still calm, still warm. Her mouth stretched into a small smile. “Do you mind if I ask who it is you fancy?” she laughed a bit when she said that. She was trying to be the kind of friend that she’d seen in some movies Yaz had watched in the past. She hoped acting like this would help the young woman feel more comfortable.

“I wish I could, Doctor, I really do. But, I...it’s really complicated and hard to explain and-”

Yaz was interrupted by the Doctor’s lips. 

Fireworks bloomed behind her eyes, ignited by euphoria, and her heart started singing a song she’d never heard before. The music danced around the bursts of color when they met in her mouth, a symphony of notes and hues.

She melted into the kiss, pulling the Time Lord a bit closer. She savored the feeling of their lips interlocked with each other, memorizing the soft curves of them. When the two separated, Yaz had a smile plastered on her face. She didn’t even have words to describe how relieved she felt.

“Was that okay?” the Doctor asked. Her face had adopted a pink hue, and she was smiling as well. 

All Yaz could do was nod. She’d been lifted above the clouds. Her mind lingered with the kiss, never wanting to leave its side in fear of losing the moment. She replayed it in her head until she felt she could let herself come back to the ground.

“It was more than okay. I have to ask, though,” she caught the Doctor’s curious eye, “How did you know? About how I feel, I mean.”

The Time Lord planted a kiss on Yaz’s forehead and caressed her cheek.

“Oh, Yaz…” she took in the sight of the young, beautiful woman before her. Yasmin Khan had become someone she knew she could trust, and someone she felt she could become close to. Her arms wrapped around Yaz. She closed the remaining space between them, bringing her companion into an embrace she’d wanted for so long. “I always know.”


	2. She's Falling Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She shot up, gasping as if she’d been holding her breath. Her eyes flicked around her room, making sure she was where she had fallen asleep. Her door was still closed, shag rug still off-kilter, night light still shining. Everything was as she left it, everything was fine.
> 
> MAJOR TW for the tags I've added. There is mention of s*lf h*rm and s****dal ideation. This story deals with a heavy topic that I wanted to tackle, as I've been struggling recently. PLEASE don't read if it'll trigger you. It's a sensitive subject

“Nobody’s coming, Yaz.” Sonya’s voice echoed in the inky black behind Yaz’s eyes.

She squirmed, tiredly trying to push the thought away. To throw it back to where it came from.

“You’re alone in the dark.”

“No!” she shot up, gasping as if she’d been holding her breath. Her eyes flicked around her room, making sure she was where she had fallen asleep. Her door was still closed, shag rug still off-kilter, night light still shining. Everything was as she left it, everything was fine.

She grabbed her phone from the table next to her bed. It was hardly half past three in the morning, which drew an exasperated sigh from her lips.

Yaz scrolled through her Instagram feed, distracting herself with pictures of her grade-school friends and cute animals. But, as much as she tried, the words in her head still bounced faintly in her ears. She felt like she couldn’t escape them no matter how hard she tried. Like they would taunt her whenever she was alone, and even when she was around the people she loved. They seemed to want to drag her down into whatever depths they’d come from.

 _It was just a dream, Yasmin. You’re okay_. She attempted to reassure herself and battle her own thoughts. Her hands stroked the plush blanket that she was under, letting the feeling draw over any other sense she was experiencing. The brick wall she pictured in her mind was under fire from the thoughts that didn’t seem to want to stop coming at her. As a last resort, she reached for her headphones and drowned her thoughts in music as she drifted back to sleep.

_________________

The Doctor was fiddling with the TARDIS console when Yaz left her room. She still wore her pajamas as it wasn’t a day she had anything planned. 

“You slept in,” The Time Lord noted to her companion as she rounded the console. “How’d you sleep?”

“Okay, I guess. Woke up around three, but I was able to go back to bed.” Yaz yawned.

“Anything in particular that woke you?”

“No, nothing specific. Just woke up too early, is all.” she chuckled. She had no intention to tell the Doctor what had woken her up. Not that it was a terrible secret, but just that she didn’t want her to worry. There wasn’t anything _to_ worry about, anyway. She’d be okay once she’d had time to adjust to consciousness.

Sitting on the stairs in the console room, Yaz watched her friend press buttons and pull levers. She had no idea what they did, but assumed that the Doctor did. Well, hoped, anyway.

“Where are we, Doctor?”

“Somewhere in Sextans A, a little over four million light-years away from Earth. Figured I’d stop somewhere quiet while I work on her.” the Time Lord said, referencing the TARDIS.

“Is it safe to sit at the doors?” Yaz asked.

“Yes! Go ahead, Yaz.” the Doctor smiled before once again focusing her attention on her ship.

__________________

Sat on the edge of the TARDIS floor, Yaz stared into the expanse of space. She used to feel terrified when she did this, but now she found it calming. It was nice, sometimes, to watch distant comets shoot past stars big and small. To feel nothing as her legs swung below her.

This time, though, she couldn’t keep from letting her thoughts overcome her. She’d been trying so hard since she woke up in the middle of the night, but for some reason she felt weaker than usual. Flashes of nothing flooded her head, her thoughts coming at her too fast to decipher. She tried to focus on a star, to give herself something that wasn’t a part of her to think about.

But, to no avail.

It didn’t make any sense. Yaz had been doing well. Good, even. There hadn’t been anything that might have influenced this apparent slump. Still, she couldn’t stop imagining the same things she’d imagined a few years before. She was so sure that she was finally better, that this wouldn’t happen again. _What the fuck?_

A tear slid down her cheek, unexpected. It was sudden. With a wipe of her hand, Yaz hoped that that would be the only one shed. She didn’t know what would happen if she let herself cry. _It won’t happen_ , she told herself. The distant stars and bursts of color blurred with the onslaught of unwelcome tears. Everything was becoming too frustrating. She padded quietly back to her bedroom. The Doctor couldn’t see her like this.

__________________

The door slammed behind her despite her intention to be subtle. Her breath hitched before she let herself fall onto her bed.  
Yaz let out a long, wet sob. She didn’t understand what was happening, or _why_ it was happening. 

“I was doing better!” she yelled hoarsely to the air. Her fists hit the pillows below her. She felt like a stupid kid throwing a tantrum, but she didn’t know how else to let her feelings out.

Her comforter and mattress inhaled her cries. The screams she couldn’t let loose caught in her throat and threatened to suffocate her. Breaths came and went at an increasing speed as Yaz started to hyperventilate. It was all too much too quick.

Amidst the flooding eyes and stuffy nose, she seemed to remember something that could help. Her doctor had prescribed an as-needed anti-anxiety medication, for when Yaz needed extra help calming down. Her fingers fumbled blindly around the ground. They landed on her bag, a needed victory. Wasting no time, she dumped the contents next to her to find the small, orange bottle.

When she shook it over her hand, though, nothing fell.

“Fuck!” she rasped in anger.

The bottle flew across the room and collided with the wall. Why was she spiraling so fast? Her thoughts spun around her head as she let go another series of breathy, bitter wails. The world seemed to be unraveling around her. The tatters of whatever she could hold onto were disintegrating in her grasp and it was all she could do to keep the remains in her palms as she broke. All she could discern from her tangled web of thoughts was, _why? Why is this happening? Why can’t I get a fucking grip?_

“Why can’t I just _die_?” she whimpered. The words shocked her. She hadn’t expected the thought to be so clear, so sudden, or so desperate. A clarity came when she spoke, which scared her. Her body was taking control while her mind fought to have its way.

Tired feet carried a reluctant Yaz to her bathroom. She felt so disconnected. Like her mind was a few paces back, knowing that nothing good could come of this. There were no longer loud sobs, just silent tears striking the fabric on her shirt.

Though she tried to fight it, she was combing through the cabinet and cupboard for something, _anything_ , that would take her away from the present. Her eyes didn’t even focus, she just pulled objects out that seemed like they could distract. _I shouldn’t be doing this_ , she thought, having no desire to stop. Cleaning products and first aid tools cluttered the floor around her. They were a barrier to keep her from experiencing the inevitable wave of intense emotional strain. After messily gathering whatever she thought would work, she let herself fall back and lean against the bathtub.

Shaky breaths fought their way in and out of Yaz’s mouth. All she could say to herself was, _stop, stop, stop, please, stop_! She was trapped behind glass while the rest of her body acted on its own. It didn’t matter how loud she tried screaming in her mind, her limbs still moved to act out the twisted dream she wanted to forget. Her fingers worked around a weapon she wished would disappear. Nothing was helping, she couldn’t stop herself and part of her didn’t even _want_ to stop.

“Oh, god,” she winced. Despite the pain, relief flooded her body, finally able to focus on something else. Tears blurred her vision again, but she didn’t care. She wasn’t in control. She was terrified. So terrified that something would happen and she wouldn’t be able to reverse it. That she’d succumb to the sick wish running through her head. 

She turned her thoughts to the stars she’d seen earlier. A distraction from her horrible distraction. Their white, yellow, and blue lights twinkled behind her eyelids, which shut out the reality she was living. They spun and twirled and pulled in huge chunks of rock. Kind of like small solar systems, a prototype of her own, with tiny moon-sized “planets” and weak orbits. Meteorites flew past them, travelling somewhere new and exciting. Yaz imagined that she was one of them, moving forward to a place away from any thought or action she’d been living with.

She was abruptly pulled from the fantasy with a sharp, shooting pain. 

_Oh, fuck._

“Shit, shit, shit,” she rambled. Her hands hastily grabbed the closest cloth she saw. The panic began to sink in and her head was spinning. _Fuck, fuck, what do I do_? Her mind shouted, desperate for any solution easy to access. 

The only thing in her sight was rubbing alcohol. She snatched it up and struggled to twist the cap off. Her breathing was shallow and quick, her heart was racing. The sobs she’d been holding back surfaced and shoved themselves into the space around her. They were drenched in regret and fear. 

The liquid dropped onto the cloth, rapidly soaking through. A strangled, broken scream jumped out of her throat against her will. 

Just as she feared, the Doctor came rushing into her bedroom. 

“Yaz? Where are you?” she could hear the Time Lord walking around the other side of the room.

She managed to croak a weak, “Bathroom,” before beginning to cry again.

The Doctor shouted her name and landed on the floor next to her. Yaz couldn’t make out what she was saying, only that it was fast and sounded concerned. 

“I’m scared.” she weeped as her friend started to scoop her up. Her vision was darkening and she felt woozy and heavy as a boulder. 

Her ears fixed on the calming words that the Doctor was speaking as they moved toward the front of the TARDIS. She didn’t actually know what was being said, but her voice was soft. 

Yaz’s head leaned on the Doctor’s shoulder and she slipped into unconsciousness.

__________________

“Yaz? Yaz, it’s me, the Doctor. You can hear me, right?” a worried woman spoke while holding Yaz’s hand.

Bright, fluorescent lights bounced off of a blank wall and swaying curtains. Squinting, she realized she’d been brought to A&E.

A raspy whisper left her lips as she asked, “Why aren’t we on the TARDIS? Why am I here?”

The Doctor’s eyes showed sorrow and concern when she looked at her companion.

“Yaz, you blacked out when I found you. Do you remember?” she waited for a weak nod. “They said you lost a little too much blood,” the Doctor’s words were strangled as she tried to keep from crying. “You’ll be okay, though.”

Yaz felt her friend stroke her hand. She held it between both of her own, almost as if she was afraid that if she let go she’d lose her young companion. 

“I’m sorry,” Yaz breathed.

“You don’t need to apologize. If anything it should be _me_ saying sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t know. I...I’m so sorry I couldn’t help sooner. I’m sorry it came to this.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, Yaz, it isn’t. I could’ve lost you, and I was none the wiser. I wasn’t attentive enough, I didn’t see that you were struggling. I just…” the Doctor sniffled. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

Yaz met her eyes. 

She said, “Doctor, I’m so grateful for you. You _were_ there for me. This wasn’t expected and came too quickly, and I didn’t want you to worry. I was so frightened about what was happening to me. I didn’t feel like myself. It was like someone else was in control, while I sat behind a wall and watched what I did to myself.” 

The two were now crying softly. It was difficult to speak clearly, but they tried anyway.

“I didn’t have a foothold in the world,” Yaz said. “Reality was crumbling around me. I felt so lost, Doctor. I hadn’t felt that in years. I was convinced I was better _for good_. But, I guess I’m not.”

“Listen, Yaz,” the Doctor gave a small smile. “Getting better is such a long process. It’s life-long. It takes work, but we can do it. _You_ can do it. I’ll _always_ be here to help. You never need to worry about bothering me, love. I’m always going to stand by your side.”

The Time Lord planted a kiss on Yaz’s forehead. The younger woman smiled weakly, eyes closing. She was tired.

“Sleep well, Yaz. I’ll be right here when you wake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! I hope that this is received well. I'm worried about putting it out, just because it's a difficult thing to deal with. When "Can You Hear Me?" aired, and I saw what Yaz had struggled with, I genuinely sobbed. She's a character that I have so much in common with, and that episode really solidified that.   
> I promise the next one will be light-hearted! Haven't thought of an idea yet, but it might not be out next week. Thanks for reading!
> 
> UK Suicide Prevention Hotline: 999 and 112 are the national emergency numbers  
> \- www.samaritans.org - 24/7 toll-free crisis line, can also be reached at 116 123  
> \- Text HELP to 85258 to use Shout's (www.giveusashout.org) 24/7 free text service
> 
> US Suicide Prevention Hotline: 911 is the national emergency number  
> \- 1-800-273-8255 and for Deaf and Hard of Hearing options, call 1-800-799-4889  
> \- Text HOME to 741-741 to access the Crisis Text Line (www.crisistextline.org) to use the national free 24/7 text service  
> \- The Trevor Project (www.thetrevorproject.org) has a 24/7 phone hotline for LGBT or questioning youth  
> \- The Trans Lifeline (www.thetranslifeline.org) is a crisis intervention hotline made by the transgender community, for the transgender community, they can be reached at 1-877-330-6366
> 
> Find your country's hotline here: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
> 
> If you think you or a loved one might be struggling with suicidal thoughts or may be at risk of attempting, reach out to emergency services or your national hotline. Help is available, and you're not alone in this. These lifelines are made for your use. If you're somehow unable to use them, reach out to a friend, family member, or someone else you trust. Your story doesn't need to end. You're an infinite book, with so many blank pages to fill. Take care of yourself.


	3. Forget the Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yaz and the Doctor find themselves trapped by a familiar face.

“‘Ey, Doc, what’s all this dust? I feel like I should be sneezing, but…” Graham trailed off, following a few of the glittering particles as they fell.

“This, my friends,” the Doctor smiled wide as her companions looked at her. “is something the locals call ‘hornswoggle powder.’” 

They bore into her as if she’d grown a third eye.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ryan asked.

The blonde beamed, “I’m glad you asked!” her friends just rolled their eyes and chuckled. She would have done this even if they hadn’t asked. “Now, ‘hornswoggle’ is originally an English word, if you can believe it. It means to deceive or cheat somebody. That is to say, the powder is usually used as a component of a lot of pranks.” 

Her fam still weren’t quite following, but she could tell they were interested.

“It can be gathered from its plants just by shaking them. It’s kind of like a pollen that can do more than spread. It has next to no effect on whoever inhales it, which is why you aren’t sneezing. And don’t worry, it’s completely harmless to humans.

“Usually, hornswoggle powder is mixed into food or drink. Once ingested, the ‘victim,’” she used her fingers as air quotes, “sort of becomes a compulsive liar. It’s the opposite of a truth serum; any answer they try to give will be the opposite of the truth. Most of the time it’s used as a party trick or silly prank among the adolescent population.”

She paused.

“Sometimes, though,” her expression darkened slightly. “Sometimes it’s used among criminals or corrupt officers. It can be snuck into food or injected into the victim to cause them to lie. In the case of interrogation, it’s used to get false confessions out of people for personal gain, or to target a rival organization.”

Yaz, Graham, and Ryan weren’t sure what to say in response. The tone of the conversation had changed abruptly and had caught them off guard. 

“Not today, though!” the Doctor was smiling again, much to the relief of her companions. “Not here. Right now, we’re safe as bugs in a rug.” 

“Doctor, that’s not how the saying goes.” Yaz laughed, trying to correct her friend, but was blissfully ignored. 

The Doctor led them deeper into the lush greenery, giving them fragments of information on some of the flora. Sometimes she would gasp excitedly and eagerly point out a funny-shaped flower. Other times she would grow comically serious and give a plant as wide a girth as she could manage. 

One time, she tripped over a brightly-colored root and pouted as her friends teased her. 

“I’m telling you, those root plants _hate_ humanoids!” she had claimed. 

“Why didn’t we get tripped, then, Doc’?” Graham retorted.

The Doctor had stammered, “I -- Well -- Uh, it must have just got confused.”

Her cheeks flushed pink when she was subject to more playful laughter from her fam, and they marched on through the expansive naturescape. 

___________________

After a while of wandering through massive leaves, Yaz grabbed the Doctor’s attention.

“Doctor, what’s this one?” she was pulling lightly on a large red-hued petal.

A puzzled look flitted across the Time Lord’s face.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she remarked. “I don’t think I’ve seen it before.”

The Doctor’s vision blurred slightly, and she couldn’t seem to focus her eyes on the flower. She squinted, trying her best to make out the details she thought she detected. 

But, to no avail. Her eyes were crossing and her head spun. She rested against a pillar. 

That pillar had been there before, right?

“Doctor, are you alright?” Yaz asked, and the blonde’s eyes finally focused.

Her friend was standing next to a hanging rug. Where were they?

“Yeah, I’m not. I mean, I am. I’m fine.” she dismissed her worry with a wave of her hand.

The Doctor shook her head, eyes adjusting to the department store she found herself in.

“What happened to the plants?” 

The trio of companions just stared confused at their friend. 

“What plants? We’re looking for a couple of rugs, remember?” Graham’s eyes pierced the Doctor’s, trying to peer into her mind and decipher what was going on.

Oh, yeah. She had insisted they take a break from adventures and look for rugs to put in the TARDIS lounges. She must have become distracted, or bored. She must have been daydreaming.

Why was her head beginning to pound with each rapid heartbeat?

Why was she so, _so tired_?

Her hands dragged across her face in an attempt to wipe the fatigue from her features. She stumbled slightly, struggling to keep herself walking when she was hit with an intense wave of exhaustion.

“Doc’? You okay?” Ryan caught her by the elbow before she tumbled to the floor. 

“Yeah, I’m...fine. Just...need some...rest…” her eyelids weighed heavy in her vision. She could feel herself slipping into unconsciousness and onto the floor.

____________________

Yaz’s head throbbed.

She could feel herself suspended from something, crucifixion-style. Her wrists held her weight and strained in their restraints. She couldn’t feel or move her legs, but she could tell they pulled her body toward the floor. Her head hung past her shoulders, her neck seemingly out of service.

Slowly, she found herself able to lift her head. 

Her eyes adjusted to the dark room she was in. Dim blue lights dotted the floor beneath her, the only indication of the size of the room. It wasn’t huge, but it was big enough to hold various tables with miscellaneous items she couldn’t make out. 

Across the room, a white light flicked on underneath another person in the same position as she.

“Doctor?” she attempted to call out, met only with a weak rasp. None of this made sense. 

She couldn’t remember how she got here, why she was being held here, why it was just her and the Doctor. Everything was fuzzy in her mind. She thought she could recall something about being chased, but by who, or what, or why, wasn’t clear.

The light below the Doctor flicked off. Had that been just to tell Yaz that she was trapped and so was the only person she thought could save her? 

Everything was all wrong. 

She tried again to speak into the heavy silence, but her mouth didn’t connect to her brain and no sound escaped. 

A tear fell from her eye, dropping silently to the cold floor. Her head screamed as it tried to keep her from falling into another disturbed slumber.

It was no match. Her mind turned to black.

________________________

Shouting and screaming echoed around and through her ears. 

“Doctor!” Yaz cried. Where was she?

Clouds of smoke and ash littered the darkened sky above her head. 

What was happening?

 _War_. She could sort of remember. 

_It wasn’t meant to end like this. The Doctor had assured them, they could prevent this.  
Where was she now, when humanity was busy slaughtering each other? Where had she gone and left her companions for dead?_

Yaz blinked tears from her eyes. She couldn’t tell if they were from shock or because the parched air burned them. 

A gust of hot air cleared smoke to her left, and she could barely make out an unconscious heap of someone. 

Her tired legs carried her toward them, view of a singed blue-grey coat and dirtied blonde hair spread across her vision.

The Doctor.

She felt herself running now, huffing to reach the woman lying on the rumbling earth.

“Doctor? Doctor, are you alright?” she heard no response.

Her hands took in a wrist, aching to find a pulse. 

Barely there, the telltale Time Lord heartbeat.

 _Thank the gods_.

She gently shook the woman, hoping that she would wake up. 

A strangled breath left her lips, a much needed sign of approaching consciousness.

“Yaz? That you?” she barely managed a whisper.

The young woman only nodded, grabbing the Doctor’s hand and squeezing.

Her hand clamped around nothing. The Doctor had disappeared. But, how? She had just been in front of her, stirring to life before her eyes and now she was gone. 

Everything was all wrong.

Sobs tore from her aching lungs and the cries turned to hacking coughs as she inhaled too much smoke. 

The Doctor couldn’t be dead. Yaz refused to think about that. She was just alive in her hands but had seemingly dissolved into a memory within a fraction of a second. 

Nothing was making sense.

What had happened here? Who were they fighting? _Why_ were they fighting? 

Breaths came and went quickly, leaving Yaz feeling light-headed and unable to stand. She slumped to the dirt, defeated and worn.

A heavy throbbing returned with force. It pushed her further toward the ground, capturing her in immense pain. 

Pathetic cries tore from her throat as her ears lost the sounds around her and filled with the rush of blood through her head. 

____________________

Her head jerked before her eyes popped open. 

The dark room again. Where was this place?

A sinister chuckle echoed behind her and a chill ran down her spine. She knew that laugh.

“Yasmin, Yasmin, Yasmin,” the voice teased. “I always knew you were a favorite of hers.” the figure who possessed the voice pointed to the Doctor. He stepped into the light.

Even though Yaz had known it was him, her breath still caught in her throat.

“What do you want from us?” 

Another deep laugh. 

“The usual, I think. Pain, drawn out. Suffering.” he smiled. Her stomach turned.

He paused a moment before turning on the light on the Doctor’s “pedestal,” of sorts. 

“I want to get to her. To make her feel pain similar to what I feel all the time. I knew that, to do so, I would need you, Yasmin Khan.” he sneered. “It’s so obvious how she sees you. A lonely Time Lord, surrounding herself with friends and picking a pretty, young companion to flirt with. You’re all the same, you know. You follow after her like lost puppies, and bend to her every will. You’d do anything for her. She’s got into your head, and you won’t be able to shake her from it. Trust me,” he huffed. “I know how that feels.”

Yaz felt sick. He was just saying this to get under her skin. She refused to think of his name, but it was almost like he was forcing it into her head.

 _Master_. 

“We’re friends.” she insisted, but the Master just laughed. “I’m a human. I know she’s lonely, even though she doesn’t let it show. But don’t tell me that she relies on us only for personal gain. She’s not like that.”

“Oh, you have _no idea_ what she’s like. Did you know she and I used to kill our own people sometimes, for fun? You don’t know the first thing about the Doctor, Yaz. You have no clue the monstrous things she’s done.”

“I don’t believe you.” she spat.

“It’s true.” A hurting voice came from the other side of the room.

“What? Doctor, no, you’re not like that!” Yaz insisted. 

“Yaz, I am like that. I _was_ like that. I was horrible,” she turned her attention to the Master. “But I decided to change. I decided I was better than that. Better than the killings, the hurt. Better than you.” she spoke pointedly.

The man between them scoffed.

The Doctor breathed deep, “What were those visions we had? I’m assuming they were your creations?”

He smiled wide.

“Yes. Though, I had hoped to keep you both unconscious long enough to really dig the knife in.”

“What do you want? Information? An admittance of defeat?” the Doctor’s face contorted into a piercing question.

“Truthfully, I don’t usually know,” a sickening laugh sounded from his mouth. “I just like to see you suffer, as I have suffered. At the hands of _you_.”

“Tell us what you want!” Yaz yelled, having found the courage to stand up for herself. 

The Master just laughed again. He seemed to really love laughing at his victims, making a mockery of the hurt they went through. 

“Oh, Yaz, do shut up.” he sighed. “This isn’t about you. I only needed you to get at the Doctor, because I’m sure we all know-”

“ _Enough_.” the Doctor snapped. “Let her go.”

He appeared to think on the demand, as if he was actually considering it. 

“Hm,” he pondered. “No. I’m in your head, Doctor. I see your thoughts. I know what you think about her. I have the upperhand here.”

Yaz’s face held confusion, and maybe just a _touch_ of hope. What did the Doctor think of her? 

No. This was no time to pine over a woman who was currently in danger. 

“I could kill her,” the Master said nonchalantly, gesturing toward Yaz. “Take her away from you. What would you do then, Doctor? Would you continue pretending that you possess strong morals? Would you finally let humans see just how dark your soul is?” 

“If you even lay a hand on her,” the Doctor threatened. 

Her words landed flat. She was restrained and powerless. There was nothing she could do to stop her best enemy from killing the young woman she admired so strongly. 

But, she couldn’t dwell on that now. She had to focus on finding a way out.

“I used those visions in your ‘dreams’ to gain access to your thoughts. The Doctor, a heart yearning but afraid to admit. You really are pitiful, aren’t you?” he taunted. 

She glared at him.

“And Yasmin,” he turned. “A young woman from a stupid human town. Silly girl, longing after someone you hardly know. Do you know how _old_ , how _ancient_ she is? Compared to her, you’re a mite on her shirt.” 

Yaz shook the hurt from her face. He was lying. He had to be. There was no way a being such as the Doctor would find herself caught up in feelings for a girl like her. 

She cursed herself for wondering about that in such a life-threatening moment. 

“Leave her alone.” the Doctor pleaded. Her voice displayed the hurt she was suffering. 

Yaz found herself held in the Doctor’s gaze after she spoke. In her eyes she saw vulnerability like she’d never known the Time Lord to possess before. It was almost like she could see her own thoughts reflected in those hazel-colored irises. 

A lost girl reaching for something to feel, to hold onto. Yaz had found that in the Doctor.

Had the Doctor found that in her?

The Master mocked his old friend with a nasty laugh.

“Do you want me to be scared? To be frightened that you may try to overthrow me to save some pathetic human girl? Please, Doctor. We both know I am worth so much more than her, and it wouldn’t matter if she just,” he made a “pop” sound with his mouth, “disappeared.”

Defeat felt inevitable. Yaz and the Doctor were under the Master’s control, suspended painfully before him and forced to endure whatever torture he wanted them to. 

Yaz’s head felt full of lead. Her heart ached. Would it really matter so little if she were to “disappear,” as the Master put it? Did she mean so little to everyone? 

“What was it for?” she asked.

He chuckled, “What?”

“The visions you gave us. You said you needed me to get at her, but what was the purpose?”

He sighed.

“For her, I just needed some silly little scenarios to keep her placated. Keep her unconscious while I worked on the bait.” the Master wrung his hands as he paced between the women.   
“For you, Yaz, I needed something strong. I gave you nightmares of war and manslaughter. And where was she in these visions?” he smiled toward the Doctor.

The weary Time Lord just hung her head, no longer able to keep her gaze level. 

“Nowhere to be seen. Left the battlefield, letting the humans kill themselves. Oh, and when she did appear,” he turned to Yaz, “which I did not intend to happen, by the way. You have a very strong will,” he laughed. “I had to quickly pluck her out. Couldn’t have you thinking she’d actually help, now could I?” 

Yaz glared. Then, a thought popped into her head. Surely the Master couldn’t have been so dense. 

Still, she lifted her head and gave him a smug smile.

“And why are you telling us? I mean, if you wanted me to doubt her so she’d feel weak, surely you’d keep that to yourself? I wouldn’t think a _Time Lord_ such as yourself would let slip such seemingly crucial information.”

She heard the Doctor let out a soft laugh across the room.

“She’s right, Master.” she teased his name. With newfound strength, she raised her head to stare at her sworn enemy. 

He didn’t let his facade waver, but she could tell they’d struck him well. 

“Didn’t think this through, did you?” Yaz mocked. 

To the side, Yaz could see the Doctor working herself free while she maintained eye contact with the Master. She did her best to hold his angered gaze while her friend quietly slipped from her constraints. 

It almost looked like he was about to counter her argument, or to make more snide comments, before the Doctor came from behind and seemingly paralyzed him. His eyes rolled back in his head and he slumped back into her grip.

“Non-lethal stun device,” she explained. “He may be one of the worst people I’ve ever known, but it’s true what I said earlier. I’ve changed.” 

Yaz just nodded. She trusted the Doctor enough to know she was telling the truth. 

Silence filled the air between them as the Time Lord worked Yaz free. 

Behind her conscience, doubt clouded Yaz’s thoughts of the Doctor. Was what the Master said true? It made sense, a boring little human made no comparison to a Time Lord. She couldn’t help thinking that she might just be an accessory for the alien while they travelled. 

With a final click of a cuff around her wrist, Yaz dropped to the cool ground beneath her. 

The Doctor caught and held her gently under her arms. She used her friend as an anchor while she attempted to gain the use of her legs back.

“Hey,” the Doctor spoke softly. “It’s not true, you know,”

“What’s not?” Despite the question, Yaz was sure she knew.

A sigh blew past the Doctor’s lips, “You aren’t pathetic. I mean, no human is, but especially not you.” 

Yaz was able to support her own weight now and used the ability to lean back and look the Doctor in the eye. She could feel the sincerity behind the words, but she couldn’t help the worry that tinged the edges of her thoughts.

“I’m serious,” the Doctor said after a few minutes without a response. “He tried to get under your skin, it’s what he does. But, it’s not the truth.” 

She took Yaz’s left hand in her right.

“Yasmin Khan, you are not and could never be pathetic. Especially not to me.”

Now hot tears were starting to seep from Yaz’s eyes. It wasn’t her intention to cry, but the events they had just endured had caught up with her. And the weight of the words she was hearing just added to the oncoming flood. 

It was all she could do to give the Doctor a weak smile. 

“Come on,” the Time Lord tugged lightly on her companion’s hand and began to lead them toward what looked like a door. 

“Time to leave the lies behind.” she spoke these words as much to Yaz as she did to herself. 

“Yeah,” Yaz nodded. “No more lies.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, not my favorite work. I feel like the ending was weak? I may come back and fix it up later, but I wanted to get something out today. Plus, it helped get me writing for my coursework lol. 
> 
> After the next one shot I put out, I might leave this series for a while? I'm planning a multi-chapter fic series and I want to be able to devote my time to that (don't worry, it's thasmin too)
> 
> find me on twitter @/awareinthevoid if you have questions or just want to see what I get up to!


	4. Monuments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When she was just sixteen, she hadn’t wanted to continue going. She felt that she had nowhere to go. But deciding to keep going had been the best decision she could’ve made. She’d met this amazing, mysterious, confusing woman who had changed her life for the better. The Doctor had introduced her to a whole new life she never would have thought possible, and led her on the most incredible adventures. 
> 
> Just some thasmin fluff in which Yaz reflects a bit on how her life has changed! A bit of a shorter one this time :)

A shifting next to her woke Yaz. 

“You’re coming to bed late,” she commented to her wife. 

“Yeah, sorry. TARDIS maintenance.”  
Yaz smiled at that. She supposed it made sense, it had been a while since they used the spaceship. It probably needed routine maintenance to make sure it wasn’t completely out of service if they needed it. 

“That’s okay, babe,” she pulled the Doctor close to her and kissed her forehead.

The blonde responded by planting a gentle kiss against Yaz’s neck. They spent a short while like that, breathing and kissing against each other. It was warm and comfortable under the duvet and both felt contented. 

Yaz, now more awake, used her hand to explore the familiar shapes of the Doctor’s body. She stroked down her sides and softly squeezed her behind, prompting a soft sigh from the Time Lord. 

The younger woman released a moan when the Doctor stroked along her nipple. She squirmed a bit, trying to contour herself to her wife’s body.

The Doctor marked a deep kiss on Yaz’s collarbone, searing desire into the spot. 

“You’re so gentle, love,” Yaz remarked. She wasn’t sure if she meant it as a compliment or as a challenge to go further. Either way, the Doctor smiled against her skin and traced a line from her breast to her lower abdomen.

“I don’t have to be gentle, you know?” Yaz could hear the smirk she likely wore. 

She could feel a yearning building in the pit of her stomach and wasn’t about to protest about anything her partner had in mind. 

“Don’t be, then,” Yaz dared.

The Doctor shifted herself to sit above her, legs settled on either side of her hips. 

Her head dipped down and her lips brushed past Yaz’s pulse point, sending a light chill down her body. 

“You’re still being so very gentle.” Yaz half complained. 

The woman above her chuckled and used her hands to trace along the ribs that just barely showed on Yaz’s skin. She began to work her way lower when she was interrupted by a cry on the monitor on the nightstand next to them.

Yaz sighed, “Your turn this time,”

The Doctor made a brief pouting face before climbing off of the bed and shrugging on her nightgown. 

The crying grew louder and the Doctor huffed as she walked into the hallway.

“I know, I know, I’m coming!” Yaz could hear her say as she walked toward the room at the end of the hall.

Though she was a little frustrated being left turned on, she smiled to herself. It was still surreal sometimes to know that she’d married the love of her life. That they had come this far, and now she could call the Doctor her very own. They both knew it was a complicated situation, a Time Lord and human becoming romantically involved. But, they took it in their stride. 

Yaz knew that she wouldn’t necessarily grow old with her wife. But, she had come to be okay with that. As much as endings hurt, they loved each other enough to work through the hard times.

“He says he’s hungry,” the Doctor walked in holding their son a few minutes later.

Yaz laughed, “I still don’t really believe that you speak baby.”

Her wife scoffed at that, faking offense. A smile quickly overtook her face, though, and she handed Yaz the baby.

“Good morning, Finn,” she grinned. He had been waking semi-regularly in the early hours of the morning. It wasn’t ideal, but at least Yaz and the Doctor had been awake this time and hadn’t been awoken by loud cries.

Finneas made a few whines, indicating that he was, indeed, hungry.

Yaz sighed and brought him to her chest so she could feed him before he started crying more. 

She looked up and locked eyes with the Doctor, who was smiling softly at the woman and child in front of her. 

“I love you so much, Yaz,” 

“I love you too, sweetheart.” The women kissed briefly as the Doctor sat down next to Yaz.

“I can’t really believe he’s already six months old. I never expected time to fly this fast when we aren’t time travelling.” the Time Lord said. And she meant it. Before all this, before settling down, she never imagined that the natural progression of time could be so quick. But, since she’d settled into a “normal” life with Yaz, she’d grown used to how most people lived their lives.

“Yeah, it’s crazy,” Yaz agreed. She watched as Finn suckled on her and felt so close to him and to the Doctor in that moment. Here she was, with a wife and a son, enjoying her life far more than she could have ever imagined. 

When she was just sixteen, she hadn’t wanted to continue going. She felt that she had nowhere to go. But deciding to keep going had been the best decision she could’ve made. She’d met this amazing, mysterious, confusing woman who had changed her life for the better. The Doctor had introduced her to a whole new life she never would have thought possible, and led her on the most incredible adventures. 

She really had turned her life on its head, but it had been the best thing to ever happen to her. Now she was living the best way she could think, and none of the dread she felt at sixteen lingered. 

The Doctor gazed lovingly at Finn, and Yaz could tell just how much room he took up in her hearts. 

“He looks so much like you,” The Time Lord smiled. 

“He does,” Yaz echoed. “I suppose that means he’s cute?” 

“Oh, the cutest!” 

They laughed and watched their son gradually stop feeding, already falling asleep again. 

Yaz eventually pulled Finn from her breast and settled him against her shoulder to burp him before he passed out. He was very quickly nodding off, and she couldn’t help but kiss his head about a million times. 

She settled against the headboard of the bed, leaning comfortably and holding Finn tight against her. The Doctor lay down next to her, wrapping her arms around her midsection. The trio were all tired, and were content sleeping as a small heap of warmth and love. 

Before succumbing to her exhausted state, Yaz once again reflected on her life as she knew it. Everything had changed so drastically in the last decade, but it still felt like she and the Doctor had first confessed their feelings the week prior. The life they’d built together was so much more than she could have ever dreamt. 

They had gone from friends, to awkwardly avoiding each other because they both had trouble confronting their feelings, to eventually confiding in each other. Those confessions had led them to falling in love, to getting engaged, to marrying. And what a wedding it was, Yaz thought. She had cried, her mum had cried, her dad had shed a tear. Her sister pretended to be cool but inside Yaz knew that she had been so very proud of her for finding this life for herself. 

Holding her child and laying in her wife’s arms in that moment was all that she needed. Something so simple, yet so precious and meaningful. They breathed in unison, and she could feel the heartbeats against her skin as she drifted into unconsciousness. 

In the early hours of the morning, the Doctor, Yaz, and their son Finn all fell asleep exchanging body heat and sharing dreams of each other. 

Yaz, especially, dreamed about a long and fulfilling life with the Doctor. Having children, exploring their relationship further, sharing moments like this over and over. She dreamed that nothing would ever go wrong again. Not as long as she had the Doctor. Not as long as she had this wonderful life to share with the world. 

Even in her sleep, her face held a smile at how right everything was in her world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this one was shorter, but I think I wrote as much as I could. Just a little short fic on a little moment in their lives. 
> 
> And i mentioned at the end of the previous fic that this might be my last one-shot for a while! This fic idea actually inspired me to start planning a longform fic series, so that's what I'll be spending my summer doing! So don't worry, this isn't the end of my thasmin content. I'll be back! I just need time to start writing and give myself wiggle room to write and update regularly. Thank you guys so much for reading and for the feedback and kudos! I really do appreciate every comment, but I'm not the best at replying lol.
> 
> See you all soon!

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first piece of fanfiction I've written in about four years! It's weird getting back into it after years of original content, but I liked it. Also sorry if the writing is like not good, I haven't been writing very much recently. I hope I can update kind of regularly lol


End file.
